Why do we forget?

When I first started writing this blog I’m not sure I had a clear purpose, but I knew I had a strong feeling that I needed to write down the things that were consuming my brain. When I say consuming, I mean just that; I was struggling to think of anything but what had happened and how it had happened. When you are going through something difficult no matter what it may be of course you think about what is happening a lot, and as you get past something difficult I think it is normal to reflect on what you went through a lot. However, I think this process can be different for everyone. I needed to talk about what was happening, I needed to run my thoughts by people and I needed to do that often. I was lucky because I had people around me who would listen. I probably took advantage of their willing ears, and I can’t say I was the best friend about returning the favor at the time. Although I can say I try to be that person for others now. The point is writing things down, for me helped me to release them from my brain. It helped me to let them go and move on to other things. That is a good thing I think. I am pretty sure most therapist’s will tell you to find a way to release the things that consume your brain and hinder you from moving on from an experience. So I am grateful I was able to take the time to write some things down and start working on focusing on other things. However, that doesn’t mean I never think about these things again. I was just able to let them go enough to move forward from the experience. But I do not want to forget, I need to remember the things I learned and the way we were changed by the experience.

I have written about many of the things I learned during this process but lately I have found that I am “accidentally” finding myself slipping back into some of those old habits that I now should know better about. The things that I believed were healthy before. The things I didn’t understand the way I do now. Why does this happen? Why do we remember some things that seem of zero importance but sometimes forget things that are crucial for us to remember? I can sing every word of Guns N Roses, “Welcome to the Jungle” but I can’t remember the Algebra I learned in 10th grade to save my life! Have you ever run into someone at the store who runs up to you and says Hello and knows your name and you can’t for the life of you remember why you know them? So you try to ask open ended questions hoping for clues, something to jog your memory! Why? Why does this happen? The brain is a funny thing, and sometimes I feel helpless to it’s ways. However, it hasn’t been all that long, and there are so many things around me that seem to be trying to reprogram my thinking.

Earlier this month was the 4 year anniversary of my dad’s death. It is just another day, but for me I always dread it, it makes me think more of that time, the things I did, the things I chose not to do. I miss my dad everyday but that anniversary is still difficult for me. However, my brother is the opposite, it’s just a day to him. It doesn’t spark any extra thoughts or feelings at all. Neither reaction is wrong but I wonder why some people are more affected by things like this than others? Why does a date make my brain start re thinking all these things? Could it be that they are always there, I just push them aside so I can function? But on that day I allow them to come back, so I make sure I don’t forget? I don’t ever want to forget the times with my dad but would it be so bad to forget this terribly sad time? But I can’t forget that, because it is part of our time. It is part of his story. I want to remember all of his story. Even the sad part, because this experience is part of who I am today. My dad is a part of me and his memory lives through me. I don’t want that to leave, so it is good to remember, and at times I need to think about all of these things, but I can’t let it consume me.

Let’s face it, diet talk is everywhere, we are constantly bombarded with reminders of our imperfections and it’s almost impossible to escape. I have made some purposeful changes to try to keep my own mind focused positively. I have adjusted my social media, I unfollow any over zealous fitness sites, and I follow body positive sites or body acceptance, however you want to say it. I hide friends on facebook who like to post a lot about their diets. It’s not that I don’t want to be their friend, I will look at their page at times I just don’t want to see everything about what they eat and why. I don’t want to see that anymore than I want to see who they vote for or why they dislike whatever politician they dislike. I don’t discredit their freedom to post whatever they want, it just doesn’t interest me, it’s not why I like to be on social media. This is something I learned from our experience and I have found it helpful for me. So I try to filter but it’s hard sometimes. It is everywhere, and it is something I had been focused on before, so it’s hard to let it go sometimes. Life has a way of continually reminding me. One example is that our youngest daughter has switched to a vegetarian diet (something I thought would never last and it has been almost a year now). Also, my sister in law rarely eats carbs, and is a fairly regular diet talker, but she is my sister in law, we eat together every week! I don’t want to avoid her, I enjoy her company. One of my few coworkers is starting a specialty food business that caters to people with special diets and she often brings food for me to taste. I don’t mind this really and her food is for people with medical issues. This isn’t really a problem it is just another example of food talk that swirls around my life. Try as I might, diets still seem to surround me! So yeah, sometimes I slip and complain about my belly. Sometimes I forget and start dreaming of special diets and exercise plans that I want to believe will make me feel better about myself. That I want to believe will fix all my problems, even though I know this is simply not true. Sometimes I forget what really matters.

Most recently I bought my husband a birthday card, on the front it had a picture of a slice of pizza and an ice cream cone, it said “What happened to pizza and ice cream parties?” On the inside it said, “cankles and slow metabolisms happened!” Kinda funny right? I bought it without thinking twice, until it was passed around the table for Caitie to read. I can guarantee you one year ago, there is no way I would have bought that card! Is it wrong to think that is funny? No of course not, but is it really all that funny? No, of course not. So am I forgetting or are we just far enough along that it’s okay to forget sometimes? Is that healthy or is that just opening a door, even if it’s just a crack, for a return of disordered thinking? Or is it just progress? To be honest I’m not too sure.

Last week I spoke to a mom who’s daughter has recently been diagnosed with anorexia and is just starting her treatment. As we spoke and my heart broke for her and the fear and frustration I knew she was feeling. Those feelings and memories flooded back at me remembering like it was just yesterday. I tried hard to listen and not talk to much about my own experience except in ways to help her with hers but it was hard and I’m not sure I succeeded. Every child is different and every path to recovery will be different. I do remember, when I was that mom, just being grateful to hear others stories and know there could be another side, so I try to be that when I talk to other parents. I can say honestly there is another side. Recovery is possible, and there is life after anorexia. However, we must be on guard because if I can forget, so can Caitie. If I am struggling to keep the right things coming into my head, and if I have to work hard to direct my brain, how must it be for her? Caitie copes in very different ways than me, she doesn’t like to talk openly about it to anyone who will listen, she won’t initiate a conversation about it, but she will talk if asked! She is also willing to talk to others who are experiencing some of the things she experienced, and has done so many times. She wants to help others and she is passionate. She just isn’t big on bringing attention to herself, she worries more about what other people might think, while I’m difficult to keep quiet. She is more private and guarded about what she has been through, which she has reasons for due to her experiences which of course were entirely different than mine. I was just the loved one, the care giver, she lived it, felt it, and had to do the work to fight it! I am so proud of her so maybe that is why I talk about it more, she still has reservations about others judging her actions, and has had some negative reactions when she has opened up, so that is difficult to cope with. It causes a person to be more careful about who they open up to about their story. We all handle things differently, and that is how it should be I suppose. I guess what really matters is that we keep trying to be better. That we remember that it won’t be perfect, and sometimes we will forget, but hopefully more often we will remember and keep trying, keep working, even when it’s hard, or sad, or frustrating.

So this is me today, trying to walk that fine and wavy line of remembering, but not letting the memories consume me, without forgetting what I have learned, and staying focused on what really matters, without being distracted by the outside bombardments of what others think are important! Oy! Okay well no wonder it’s feeling like a struggle, life is a struggle, but together somehow we can get through. Hang in there my friends, I am rooting for you as I know you are rooting for me too!