Hello Again Blog!

I have been away for a while, no good excuse just haven’t taken the time to work on it as I should. With that being said, there are a few housekeeping items I would like to first address. In my last blog I spoke about my own personal issues with food and how I try to cope with them now. I would like to clarify, in no way was I trying to claim I had and or have an eating disorder. There is a big difference between having a clinically diagnosed eating disorder and practicing disordered eating. It is my opinion (and in no way am I claiming to be a nutritionist or eating disordered expert or professional) I just have developed this opinion from the things that I have learned and experienced since going on our families journey. It is my opinion that any person who has ever been on any type of diet has practiced disordered eating. So most people have done it at some point or another. That is just the world we live in. The diet industry has so much money invested in dieting and has convinced people so effectively that being thin is the only way to be healthy and arguably, happy that most everyone has at one time or another been on some sort of diet. And diet’s do not equal healthy eating, they do however equal disordered eating and they can in some people directly cause a person to go from practicing disordered eating to having a clinically diagnosed eating disorder. So in my opinion diets are dangerous. My point is that my last blog was just a discussion about how learning what I have learned has changed my own personal attitude about food and body image and what healthy eating really means and what a healthy body really looks like, and it isn’t always thin. Now that I have that out of the way, I would like to catch everyone up on life with our family.

Caitie is doing well, she is physically still healthy. I will say that once she hit the one year mark of not being in any sort of treatment facility a new issue popped up, anxiety. When she first started to have episodes, we were concerned that possibly she was falling back into old habits of the eating disorder, we sent her to the doctor and he ran all the blood work and checked her heart, and her weight, but all was good. He explained that she has been working hard to do the things she was taught to do in therapy and keep her body healthy but the reason’s for why she got sick in the first place can still be there. So on the bright side things were coming up in her mind, things that maybe before she handled by restricting her food intake or by over exercising, but now she knew not to cope that way so she wasn’t, and that is great! However, she still needed to cope so… how do you do that? Well, her body chose anxiety. If you have never had an anxiety attack count yourself lucky. They feel like you are certainly about to die. I have not had many but I did have one (ironically) while I was still in the hospital after Caitie was born. I became very overwhelmed by the thought that this very small baby was about to be sent home with me, and all of her needs would need to be met by me, and that any mistakes in her care would be my responsibility. I suddenly felt very unprepared for this responsibility and suddenly the walls felt like they were falling in on me and my chest was sinking and I couldn’t catch my breath and my heart was racing and I was sweating. I was in the hospital and it was the middle of the night, so I called for a nurse and she helped me to calm down and assured me all would be alright. I will never forget that feeling, it was awful and it was an anxiety attack. Now, I had a pretty good reason to be having that attack and I didn’t have another until much later in life, so it was never really discussed again. Caitie however started to have these attacks almost daily and they would pop up at random times for no clear reason. She went to the emergency room a couple of times convinced she was having a heart attack, every time the diagnosis was the same, anxiety. So she spoke with her therapist who recommended some medication and some life changes. She had to look at her life and decide if some changes might be in order. She choose to start attending a different church than the one she had been going to since she was a baby. This was a difficult decision but one that seemed it may help so she is trying it out. We were also able to make some arrangements for her to live in a different place where she wouldn’t be alone as much, a place with some roommates. This may bring with it new challenges but for now it is a good decision to work on moving forward toward feeling better. Also, she has accepted the medication the doctor has prescribed. She is not super excited about meds and is trying to only use them as a very last resort so we will see. These things are trial and error, sometimes figuring things out as you go. So as I have said in the past and will say again, recovery is a journey, a road with twists and turns and corners that you can’t always see around. You just have to keep going, and you might get a little off track or the journey might take you on a trail you weren’t expecting to travel. Stopping with your feet in the mud however is not an option. You must keep moving, keep working, accept the mistakes and try not to repeat them but be able to forgive yourself when you do. Just keep going, like the saying goes and this one is a favorite of Caitie’s, ” It will all be better in the end, and if it’s not better then, it’s not the end.”

As far as the rest of us go, we are trucking along as well, Chris is lucky enough to get to work with Caitie at Yearout and he is very busy with his job and continuing to manage all of our rental properties. Amanda is in her second year at Florida College, she is working hard and growing into a very special young lady. Taylor is in her second year at Del Norte, trying hard to live up to the shadow of her big sister while working to blaze her own trail as well. I have been working a more full time position in real estate, I am a transaction assistant to a high producer here in the Albuquerque area, while working to do some of my own real estate deals as well. It’s nice for things to be normal, the same issues and concerns but not the kind that make you question everything you have ever known before, and have you fearing for the people you love the most lives. Those kinds of issues change you forever, which brings me to the next thing I would like to discuss.

Last week I received a call from a friend who I had not heard from in ages. It was good to talk to her, but as soon as I saw her number come up on my phone I had an idea of why she might be calling, and it wasn’t just because she missed me! She had a friend who has a son that she was quite certain has an eating disorder. She told me the story and asked for my advice. She is not the first, and I hope she won’t be the last. That is why I write this blog. Not because I feel the need for extra attention, not because I want people to feel sorry for me or Caitie, but because there are so many people out there who are struggling with these issues, and so many of them don’t know where to turn. I will always be grateful for the people who knew more than me that helped me to understand what was happening, who helped to direct us to the help we so desperately needed. I feel it is my responsibility to try to be that person for someone else. Again, please don’t think I am an expert, I have no schooling, all I have is my experience and the things I have learned from it. I have received many calls from people looking for advice. I can’t say my advice has always been enthusiastically received by everyone, but most have at least been grateful for an ear that reassures their worries, or gives them hope for a better future. Trust me I am not trying to heal anyone, I always direct them to Eating Disorders of New Mexico for treatment, and I always give glowing recommendations for Eating Recovery Center in Denver. I do recommend a doctor first, however I am also aware that many doctors are under the curse of diet culture and some do not understand the seriousness of eating disorders, and often times people who are really struggling with eating issues can be mistreated or told many things that can make the issue much worse from a doctor. I just know that is a place where someone who is looking for help will need to begin. However, sadly it might take a few tries to find a doctor who really “gets it” and doesn’t just automatically either tell you to start a diet or tell you that you are indeed too skinny but just “eat more” and it will be fine. Not everyone who has reached out to me has even had loved ones with eating disorders, some have reached out who have loved ones with serious mental issues and just have never felt like anyone understood how difficult that can be. Just to be that ear, someone who has been through some stuff, that is why this blog exists. It has helped me to process through some difficult things but what it has done the most is open a door to people around me to know that I am not afraid to talk about the hard stuff. That I am not afraid to challenge what I thought was true and to admit when I have been wrong. Lets face it people, life if messy, but it doesn’t get cleaned up by pretending it isn’t there! Nothing changes if we hide our truth. I like the changes in me. And believe me I am changed, and that is okay, we are built to change! God made us to change, and to grow. This is our purpose. I for one like the changes in myself and my family. We are still messy, but we are trying to clean as we go, and keep traveling this winding road. Sometimes I look back and I cringe at what I see, but sometimes I don’t, and I know what I want for the future is for things to keep getting better. So this is me today, reminding you that I have been through some stuff, and there is nothing you can share with me that will scare me away. I probably can’t fix it, but I can listen, and I can be there. I hope that has been clear in this blog. If it wasn’t before, I hope it is now. Call me message me, whatever, I got your back and I will listen. Now understand, I will tell you the truth of what I think, so if you don’t want to hear that you might not want to reach out. On the other hand, I know I am not always right, so if you ask for my advice and choose not to follow it, that’s okay too! We all have to take our own journey, I can’t take yours and you can’t take mine. I can cheer you on as you go though, I’m pretty good at that!