Suddenly I can see, but I still can’t listen.

As soon as I got to Caitie’s house I could tell things weren’t quite right. She was upset and trying not to show it. None of her roommates were home so we just started talking about what was going on right away. She explained to me that there had been a sorority event at her house the night before. She said there was a lot of food there. Food that she wanted to eat, food that she knew she should eat. She had promised us she was going to eat, she wanted to keep that promise, but she couldn’t. I think it was the first time she was acutely aware of the struggle that was going on inside her. She knew she should eat, she knew she needed to eat, but for the first time she was aware, that something was stopping her, something she hadn’t let herself notice before. She was visibly shaken, the feeling had scared her, she felt unable to control her own actions and it was scary. I told her about my conversation with the nutritionist, we decided right away that I would extend my visit through Monday and go to the administration office and start figuring out how to withdraw her from school. Although she didn’t want to leave school, she didn’t fight this decision much, at least not yet. So, now we had the weekend of sorority events to attend, these fun light-hearted events but everything felt heavy and kinda depressing. My eyes were suddenly very open. I was finally “seeing” Caitie, really seeing her, she wasn’t just too thin anymore, she was frail terribly frail. I had a feeling of horror inside me the whole weekend. I felt like at any moment she would just drop from lack of strength. When we went to the parent’s day event I felt like all the other parents were going to run up to me and ask what was wrong with her! I felt a little surprised to be honest that they weren’t asking. Didn’t they see her? And no it didn’t really dawn on me that I had been looking at her for months, not “seeing” her, not acknowledging the truth. My daughter, my child, my beautiful, loving, funny, smart, kind, girl had been slowly starving herself to death. She wasn’t dead yet, but it was coming if we did not intervene quickly. It was very clear to me that day, I watched her pick at her sub sandwich at the luncheon, I watched her skip chips and take some fruit that went unfinished. I watched amazed as she seemed to even struggle to drink water now. We tried to do things, we went to Wal Mart, we visited her favorite coffee shop and took pictures by a mural. We visited some of the little local shops in town and bought new jewelry. I tried to just make it normal? Nothing felt normal. We took a trip to nearby Clovis to get her blood drawn. She knew where to go, but it did not go smoothly. The lab tech had to use a baby butterfly needle to get her blood. As the tech drew the blood, Caitie started to have a bit of a panic attack. Her face turned white, no color and she was sweating. The tech gave her water but she was having trouble calming down. She said her heart was racing, and she wasn’t able to stand or move. I was so scared that this was going to set her off and that she might not be able to recover. I wanted to tell the lab tech my fears and why I felt so worried, but I didn’t. I knew Caitie wouldn’t want me to tell her secret. It took her at least 20 minutes to be steady enough to leave the office, but she did get better and we went back to Portales. I was glad I was there, what would she have done if she had been there by herself and if she had to drive herself 30 minutes back to town? I spent the night at Caitie’s house the first night, we slept in her double bed together. I don’t think either one of us slept much. I couldn’t stop listening for her breathing. It reminded me of when she was a little baby and was sleeping in a bassinet next to my bed and I would just listen for her breathing. I could tell she was having trouble sleeping, I thought maybe it was just because she was sharing her bed with her mom! But the next day she started talking about all her reasons to need to stay at school. She had made commitments to her sorority, promises she did not want to break. Classes were so close to being over and if she could just stay and finish up the semester. It’s odd to me now how little she had to say for me to start second guessing the decision to take her home. We went to church and a few of the ladies there did know about Caitie’s illness and they wanted to know what our plan might be. I discussed the idea of taking her home before the end of the semester but we also discussed the idea of her staying to the end of the semester. They of course said they would do anything they could to help however we decided to go. One of the ladies knew the head counselor at the college and she had talked to her earlier in the week, she suggested I visit her in person on Monday. We went to lunch with another couple from the church and I watched Caitie try to eat, she was very good at “fake eating” I don’t know how else to describe it. She seemed to be eating and food would move around her plate, and mostly it would end up in a to go box. How had I let that fool me before? When it was time for dinner I of course wanted to eat again. Caitie did not. I made her go out to dinner with me, watching her try to eat that food was sheer torture! I thought she was going to pop right in front of my eyes. It reminded me of the movie Bridesmaids, the part where all the wedding attendents have eaten bad meat and are having symptoms of food poisoning. But the maid of honor is trying to fight it and starts to eat jordan almonds to prove she isn’t sick. Slowly chewing each bite, forcefully swallowing it down. It was torturous. She tried, but again most went into yet another to go box.

I got a hotel room Sunday night, I felt we both needed some alone time to let the weekend sink in. Caitie had an early class on Monday, so I told her I would go to administration and see what I could get figured out without her and she could meet me there during a class break. I was lucky to get to talk with someone right away and although she couldn’t help me much without Caitie being with me, she did give me some key peoples names and numbers which I greatly appreciated. Next, I set my goals on the counseling department. I went and told them I needed to speak to the head counselor, they said she is of course busy but they would see what they could do. I dropped the name of our friend from church and she took me into her office and agreed to talk with me. I trusted that the head of the counseling department in a University would have some knowledge about eating disorders. I believed that they would know how to help us and that they would give us good advice. I am sad to report that was not true. Sadly, later I learned that it is actually quite common for counselors and doctors to know very little about the correct way to cope with eating disorders. Even head counselors in University settings! (eating disorders are most commonly found among young people between the age of 16-24. Also, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other mental illness. It causes 12 times more deaths than ANY OTHER illness among girls aged 14-24, these statements are found on NEDA, National Eating Disorders Association website.) It seems to me this is important enough an issue for maybe a little extra training on the subject, but, I don’t know.

The Counseling director encouraged me to allow Caitie to stay at school. She suggested we sign a contract, Caitie and I. A contract where Caitie would promise to eat, and not exercise. Where she would promise to drink at least one drink a day that had electrolytes. To help keep her heart going. (Yes, let that sink in for a minute, to help keep her heart going.) The counselor promised me she would make sure Caitie saw her school counselor weekly and suggested she visit the on campus health center so a doctor nearby could keep up with her. She said maybe she could skip the Monday and Tuesday before Thanksgiving to visit the eating disorder center in Albuquerque, then after Thanksgiving break there would only be three weeks left of school, and one of those weeks is finals week. She suggested maybe we try to get permission for her to take some of her finals early, so she could get home sooner. It’s funny how you can know something deep down inside of you as to be one thing, but if that one thing isn’t really what you want, that you can so easily convince yourself that it is actually another thing. I listened to this counselor, I allowed her to convince me that this would work. I listened to her and not the knot in the pit in my stomach that knew it was wrong. I wanted Caitie to stay at school. I wanted to believe that writing a contract would be enough, that fixing her problem would be that easy. I wanted that to be true so I believed it was true. Caitie of course also wanted that to be true! She jumped on the idea of signing a contract, making a promise, one she wanted to keep, but I am sure deep down she knew as well as me that she couldn’t. Something else inside her wanted to stay away from me and the people who knew of her struggle. She did not want to face the truth any more than I did. I took her to Wal Mart and bought her food. Trying to find things that I thought maybe she could manage to eat. We bought Ensure shakes, vitamin water, tuna and crackers, low calorie frozen dinners, and halo top ice cream. I tried to buy things that wouldn’t be scary for her to eat, things that would help her succeed. Her contract was asking for 1000 calories per day. And to either maintain or gain weight. I did not know the reality of how much I was asking. So, the decision was made, she would stay at school again and I would leave and go back to Albuquerque. Easier said than done. We called my husband, Caitie’s dad and told him our plan. He probably knew it wasn’t right either, but what could he do? I listened to Caitie crying to him on the phone, promising to eat, promising to follow her contract. Promising to stay alive until Thanksgiving. I can’t explain these things, it’s just how it went. I hated leaving her there, I found that this was just the beginning of the internal struggle we were about to endure. From here on out for the next 6 months every decision, every idea, every thought seemed to have so many double meanings, questions, concerns. Nothing was just a simple yes or no. Black or white. Everything had layers and layers of what if, and what next, and why, and what about this or that, and mostly why don’t you know more? We just didn’t know. So even though my eyes were open and I could see, I still didn’t believe them, I still couldn’t listen to the right people, the people who did know, at least not yet.