Do You Know What to be Proud Of?

When I started this blog, I had a plan. I wanted to tell my story from start to finish, or at least to present. As I have done a bit of that, I have not completed this task. This entry however, is going to be a bit of a break from that journey. I do apologize for such a long time between posts, I don’t really have an excuse, just life I guess. So we celebrated the holidays. It was very nice to be home and healthy. Caitie posted a beautiful blog of thanks to family who helped her during her time in treatment. She has an amazing way with words, it is a gift. As wonderful as it is for her to be doing better and for our worries to be much relieved, I couldn’t help but to be aware of how different things still continue to be. I’m not sure exactly how to express what I am thinking, I know we have been changed, I know that is part of life whenever you have life events either happy or sad, however something about this was different. I expected the usual holiday stress, figuring out family, making everyone happy, probably some extra concerns around food due to so much of the holiday revolving around eating and things. What I didn’t expect was how much other people’s actions would affect our ability to cope. What I didn’t expect was the almost PTSD type worry about Caitie and really everyone else! Yes, since we have learned so much about eating disorders I am much more aware of what disordered eating/thinking looks like and how the diet and exercise industry has warped our minds into believing that if we aren’t thin that we are some how flawed and must change. I have been noticing a lot lately how very hyper sensitive I am to others eating habits, exercise plans, coping mechanisms. I just hate seeing how caught up so many of us are about fixing something that doesn’t necessarily need fixing. It’s everywhere, and especially at the holidays! And now that it’s January, forget it! All anyone wants to talk about is their new diet! I’m sorry if it’s rude but, I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID DIET!!! Why you ask? Because I don’t believe diets work, I believe they cause more harm than good. I believe we can be healthy at all sizes. And I’m tired of the constant and unending focus on weight, and body type. Okay, I went on a bit of a tangent there, this isn’t what I meant this blog to be about at all! I will come back to this.

Lets talk about how we are right now. Here’s the thing, eating disorders stay, they manipulate, they lie, they warp your mind, they make you believe things that simply are not true! They don’t only do that to the person afflicted, they work into the minds of everyone around that person, those who care about their well being. I recently started thinking that maybe Caitie had lost some weight. I convinced myself that I was mistaken. Then some other people mentioned to me that they thought maybe Caitie had lost some weight. I was surprised how quickly I made excuses, how easily I found reasons for it to be alright. But the idea was there, “Is anorexia back?” Do we send her away again? At family days they said to send them back immediately if they lose any weight whatsoever! But she is doing so well! She got all A’s and B’s this semester, she was able to petition to get her scholarship back, she is working part time and excelling at work! She is going out with friends and having fun! She has tried her hand at dating again, and although that hasn’t gone as well as she would have liked. She is out there doing stuff being a normal 20 year old kid! So, we choose not to go all crazy about it. We just talked, and here’s the thing. This road called recovery, it’s not paved, it’s not straight, or flat, nothing about it says “easy”. So, here we are 6 months since Caitie has been released from any “hospital type” treatment and we are still figuring it out. Working this path, fumbling along and praying for the best, but expecting the worst. I felt so conflicted about this time, so unsure again about our decisions of how to deal with this road, questioning always and wishing I just knew the answers. I guess we will just have to keep on going and see how things progress. We will keep watching, keep talking, and keep fumbling along. I mean what else can we do? I will say this however, one thing happened this last weekend that has really caused me to think. Caitie and I went to a Del Norte High School Alumni event together. She was invited to attend because she is a past winner of the Del Norte Alumni Scholarship. The alumni were meeting and they had invited some past winners to check in with them and see how they were doing and to try to see if they could give the committee some insights about how to reach out to current Del Norte students. Caitie did not want to go, but she agreed once I agreed to go with her. She was surprised to see that there were 5 other past student winners there, most who she knew. All of the students talked about their college experiences so far. One student was an education major, who was going into physical education, he was coaching the JV soccer team at Del Norte and was hoping to work there when he graduated. He had recently been on a trip to Japan with his church youth group. Another was about to leave for Kansas to go to seminary school to become a preacher. Another student who had just graduated was a refugee who had decided to go into pharmacy to try to help other refugee’s who didn’t have access to healthcare. Another was a double major in engineering and had just completed an exchange program where he got to spend a semester in Iowa. All of them were impressive and it was nice to hear their success stories. Caitie told her story, she talked about going to Eastern and joining a sorority. She said she missed home and was now going to UNM and living on her own and majoring in Psychology with a minor in Art. She talked about her hope to be an Art Therapist. She did not talk about her eating disorder. I understand that, if she doesn’t want to share she shouldn’t have to….. However, I think this is the step of recovery that she is missing. Caitie thinks her time in treatment for an eating disorder is a failure, that it is something she should be ashamed of and hide. What I think she is missing is that her ability to recover, and to continue to fight this illness that is trying to break her is her greatest accomplishment to date! She is a survivor! She did not let anorexia take her life, she fought back, and she is winning! This is nothing to be ashamed about! This is a praiseworthy accomplishment! She is a fighter! And her story can and does inspire. Why? Because we all go through crap, we all struggle at times, and when you are in it, sometimes it can be overwhelming and feel like you will never get out or over whatever it is that is stopping you. It helps to hear stories of people who overcome. Even if their trouble isn’t your same trouble, the idea of beating the thing that is trying to bring you down is something to feel good about! Something to be proud of. People will fall, what is important is how you get back up! I wish Caitie could see it this way. And to be honest until she does, I’m not sure she will be able to say she is 100% recovered. Everyone struggles, and many people let those struggles win, they stall and stop some from achieving their hopes and dreams. People who are strong enough to keep going, people who use their experience to help others and improve on themselves, who grow and work on getting better each day. Those are quality people! Those people inspire, and make a difference in this crazy world! That is my girl, and I couldn’t be more proud. I see it, and I pray that someday, she will see it too.
Is this struggle over? Probably not. Are we done? No. However, are we quitting? Absolutely NOT! This process is working us and none of us know what to expect next or if we will do it right or wrong. But what I do know is that we will keep trying, keep going, keep fighting, and hopefully be better for it every day.