Family Days is a three day program. Wednesday through Friday 8:30- 3:00 and 4-5 is set aside to visit and or meet the staff. My mom wasn’t comfortable with the idea of staying at the Ronald McDonald House so we got a hotel, that offered a discount for family members attending. Family Days includes both the adult program and the youth program. On our first day the groups were combined so the family members we met had both adult loved ones and adolescent. There were probably over 100 people in the room on our first day. The second and third days we were separated so the groups were much smaller. I was grateful my mom was with me, she still had doubts about if we had done the right thing by admitting Caitie to this facility. It was just such a foreign idea to all of us, and it still felt as though Caitie was being punished, and in some ways that was what was happening. She had to follow the strict rules, and yes, she was miserable, she had given up her whole life to fight this one thing. To us at that time, it all still seemed so extreme. Like we were over reacting in some way, even though every medical professional we spoke to told us that was not true. After these three days we never felt like that again. The things we learned, and understood after these days made us fully understand what we were dealing with, and how serious it really was, and why all this was necessary. I hope I can impart even just some of what I learned those days, because still today there are people who know us, that I know still think we “over reacted” to Caitie’s situation. They don’t mean to be judgmental of us, they just don’t understand. I felt the same way, I didn’t know either. But I do know now and I do feel some responsibility to share that understanding. Mostly because every single day I see or hear someone, somewhere passing on disordered thinking toward food and exercise. It is just how we talk now, it is how I spoke regularly, to my children and around them. The diet and exercise community have made us think it’s normal, healthy, and right. They are wrong. We teach people about health all wrong, we have let the “Weight Watchers” and “Nutrisystem’s” and “Jenny Craig’s” and “Atkins” and “South Beaches” and all of these “health” companies that are really only about making money, we have let them convince us that if we are not skinny we are simply not right. We are unhealthy and need to change immediately. This is a lie! Skinny does not mean healthy. Often times skinny means the opposite of health, it means sick. If you think about it, what is the first sign we see when somebody is very sick? Often times, they start to lose weight! Being very skinny is actually a sign of sickness! Not healthiness! Okay, so now you can see how my view has changed, let me try to explain why.
Lets start with some shocking statistics.
* In the US eating disorders are more common than Alzheimer’s disease.
*In the US as many as 10 million women and 1 million men have an eating disorder, such as anorexia or bulimia. Millions more struggle with binge eating disorder and EDNOS.
*Four out of ten Americans either have suffered or have known someone who has suffered from an eating disorder.
*One-half of 4th grade girls are on a diet.
*In one study, three out of four women stated that they were overweight although only one out of four actually was overweight.
*Two out of five women and one out of five men would trade three to five years of their lives to achieve their weight goals.
Source: National Eating Disorders Association, nationaleatingdisorders.org
Here are some eating disorders myths.
*Myth: Eating disorders revolve around food.
Truth: Eating disorders are complex illnesses with biological, psychological and sociological underpinnings. While behaviors associated with eating disorders may begin with a fixation on calories and weight, eating disorders generally stem from issues beyond food and body size. The mistaken belief that eating disorders are about food often compel friends and loved ones to encourage individuals to “just eat” when if fact, the disorder from which they are suffering is incredibly complex.
*Myth: Eating disorders aren’t serious illnesses.
Truth: The mortality rates associated with eating disorders are higher than any other mental illness, including depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Even for patients whose eating disorders don’t prove fatal, there are often severe medical complications associated with starvation and purging that can eventually result in bone disease, cardiac complications, gastrointestinal distress, organ failure, infertility and death.
Here are some other statistics and facts about eating disorders.
According to the American Journal of Psychiatry,
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses, at approximately 18% in 20 year studies, and 20% in 30 year studies. A woman with anorexia nervosa is 5.6 times fore likely to die than another woman of her same age.
In the 1950’s mannequins were fashioned to mimic an average sized woman. The average hip measurement was 34 inches of both the woman and the mannequin. By the 1990’s the average woman’s hip measurement had grown to 37 inches and the average mannequin’s shrunk to 31 inches.
The average US woman is 5’4″ and weighs 140 pounds, the average US model is 5’11” and weighs 117 pounds. Most runway models meet the Body Mass Index (BMI) physical criteria for anorexia.
20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems.
Among adolescents, Anorexia is the 3rd most common chronic illness.
It causes 12 times more deaths than any other illness among girls aged 15-24.
69% of girls in one study said that magazine models influence their idea of the perfect body.
47% of girls in 5th-12th grade felt magazine pictures influenced them to want to lose weight.
Only 29% were actually overweight.
The top three chronic illnesses in adolescent girls:
1. Asthma
2. Obesity
3. Anorexia
Does the irony of all this hit you like a ton of bricks? #2 Obesity, which is constantly discussed, warned against, all over the media, researched and viewed as one of the worst problems of our youth of this generation. Just think of all the programs guided toward children to fight obesity? NFL play 60, all about getting kids active moving more and as a hopeful result eating less? In health class they learn how to measure BMI, do you think much is discussed if the BMI is on the low side? I doubt it. Every commercial, every movie, every music star, if we can just be skinny, we can be happy. However, #3 Anorexia, barely a mention, a bit glorified in our emaciated models all over the magazines and the internet. Considered strong willed and in control, having what everyone else wants. A great body. How many times have you listened to a model or beautiful actor being interviewed talking about what he/she does to “stay in shape”, what they eat, how they exercise. And how often do those regimens involve cutting out entire food groups and long hours of exercise? Entire television shows that only focus on weight loss and fast! The Biggest Loser has launched the careers of exercise enthusiast with their get thin fast plans, that they have made plenty of money from! Yet, it is killing our children! But I guess as long as they aren’t fat, it’s okay.
These facts, certainly were just the start of molding my thoughts, a change of focus. I was faced with the fact that the truth was that I too had many disordered thoughts and feelings about food and exercise. As difficult as all this was to hear, this was just a tip of the iceberg of information we were given during those three days. The understanding of the huge task Caitie had in front of her. They gave us many talks about great hope for recovery but they were brutally honest about how difficult that recovery would be. The second and third day we were separated from the youth parents and were just with the family members of the adult units. The groups were much smaller and we got to know each other better. The sessions were informative and interesting and hearing other people’s stories was fascinating. It was interesting to see the similarities of characteristics although there were so many different people there. ERC prides itself in it’s innovation of treating eating disorders, they take more insurances than any other treatment center in the country. Let me tell you we were very grateful for that!
One thing that I struggled with, and we are still coming to terms with was that there was a lot of discouragement toward exercise. Especially the repetitive type like running. Caitie had been involved in sports her entire life. Our whole family exercises, it is what we do. Now she has to stop? How? What will she do instead? Then there were all the families. Many stories were shared. Most were not there for the first time. The thought of having to go through this again haunted me! I remember feeling overwhelmed, confused, helpless. Frightened for her future, and for our future as a family. During one of our sessions they brought in a group of residents to talk to the families. There were four girls and one boy. All were there for a second or third stay. They were bright, beautiful, well spoken, and successful. There was a young newlywed, a single hairdresser/dogbreeder, a mother of two young boys, and two college students. They patiently answered our questions and told us about how their stories and struggles. Two of the young girls touched me greatly. One talked about how she really struggles with going out to restaurants, she told us about the thoughts in her head when she looks at the menu. The food that sounds good, the food she thinks is the healthiest choice, the thoughts of wondering what others will think when she orders. The eating disorder in her head that shouts that she is the fattest person at the table and how the waiter will be thinking of course this fat girl is going to order the unhealthy meal and just keep getting fatter. The war going on in her head, just to order a meal, and that wasn’t even going into the thoughts she would need to battle to actually eat it! She said, “I know what I’m thinking and over thinking is irrational, I am aware of that fact, but that doesn’t make it go away. It’s there and sometimes it is louder than other times, and I just want the people around me to be patient, and try to understand even though it doesn’t always make sense.”
The other young lady answered a question about telling other people about her eating disorder, she spoke very eloquently about not being ashamed of it, and actually being kind of pissed off about how society glorifies this unreal standard of beauty. She said if I don’t start talking who will? How will this ever get better? I wanted to jump up and applaud. How brave they all were to sit in front of us and tell their stories. These people were driven, hard workers, good people, just trying to get through this thing that was trying to take them out.
The last day we had a session called knees to knees, this was the only session Caitie would attend with me. My mother decided to opt out of this one, so it could just be me and Caitie. It went like this:
*Group forms a circle
*Two chairs are in the center, facing each other.
*Patient sits facing a loved one
*The patient and the loved one read, or say to each other:
*What I accept about this relationship is: this is a statement of what you accept you cannot change about this relationship and are willing to live with.
* What I value about this relationship is: this is a statement of how this relationship helps you to live your core values in connection with others.
*The commitment I make to our relationship is: what committed action are you willing to take to maintain this relationship?
Obviously, this was a powerful session. I think sometimes with the people we are closest to, we tend to let things go unsaid. You think people just know because they are close to you, but I believe it is important to actually say the things out loud. We don’t always truly know, or there is something inside of us that is trying hard to make us forget. Like a voice yelling loud, making you believe things that aren’t always true. This is why therapy can sometimes good for everyone! It helps us to say things and think about things that often get pushed aside or ignored instead of dealt with.
I can’t tell you how grateful I am to the Eating Recovery Center for having these sessions. It was a life changing three days for me, in more ways than one. It helped me understand what Caitie was going through. It helped me identify my own issues that needed addressing. It helped me see things from a new perspective. And although I just discussed a small part of the things we learned in these few days, there was so much information, I think I should have gone a couple of times! Chris attended the February session and he felt the same way I did when he returned. When it was over we knew without a doubt Caitie was where she needed to be , getting the help she needed to get. And although it was so overwhelming the thought of what was ahead of us, I felt more prepared to take that challenge on, to continue to support my daughter no matter what the future would have in store for her and us as a family.
Supermom? 